It's been a while since I last wrote about the cats partly because I've been so chaotic at work, but partly because we have a baby on the way (human, not feline). If I'm not working in the evenings I'm prepping for the baby's arrival.
I guess the reason I am writing this post is because I don't know what to do. My relationship with the cats - in particular Merry - has completely broken down. I don't like him. I don't want him. He is greedy, sneaky, noisy and demanding. With Merry you give, give, give, give, give and get nothing in return - no affection, no nothing.
I just want to make it clear that I have had many cats over the years. I know that they're not like dogs. I know they're more independent. But Merry really isn't like any other cat I've had. For a start he's very intelligent. That's not a problem. The problem is he's cooped up all day long with hardly any stimulation!! I'd also be difficult if that was my life.
The biggest mistake we made with ours was keeping them indoors with only access to the garden ... yet we've never been able to dedicate enough quality time to playing with them to balance that out. It's so bad I sometimes dread walking in at night after work. The cat, quite rightly, is needy and demanding because he's probably bored and fed up.
It wouldn't feel so bad if I felt that Merry actually liked me. I'm miserable because I feed him, buy him things and make sure he's comfortable and never get anything back from him. I bend down to stroke him and he runs away. For the past two years I've been made to feel like a pariah in my own home. People tell me that he picks up on my feelings. Bollocks. Sammy never had a problem. And I certainly never felt this bad in the beginning. It's got to the point that if Merry actually lets me stroke him as he walks past I look at Robin with a 'did you see THAT' expression on my face.
Robin thinks I'm wrong about letting them out. He read somewhere that cats feel more secure when confined to a garden because they don't worry about other cats encroaching on their territory. Well try telling that to a lion in a cage in a zoo. And if it IS true, then why do out two constantly try to escape.
These days I mostly want to scream. I want to open the front door and watch them go. I get so frustrated it makes me cry. At the end of the day I just don't think it's fair to keep them inside. I never have found it fair. Yet I can't demand they go out because if they did and something happened to them it would be always be held against me.
Like most cats, the biggest threat to them is being run over. But I'd rather they be happy, engaged and active (with the threat of losing them) than miserable and cooped up. Particularly with a new baby on the way. I will be home full time and can't bear the thought of Merry yowling at me when I'm awake at 4am with a crying baby.
We don't even live near a main road.
I guess I shouldn't feel too guilty about how I feel. I don't mistreat them. Quite the opposite. Compared to Robin I have bought around 95% of their little treats and gifts over the years. I've also never abused them and have tried harder than most to develop a meaningful relationship with them. Plus, as humans we don't expect to get on with everyone we meet, so why should it be the same with animals. If Merry was a human I'd simply avoid him.
And to those who say; if she's like this with a cat what will she be like with a baby.? I say get a grip. You can't reason with a cat - ever. After 16 or 17 years you still can't reason with a cat. Babies and cats are different. End of story. Plus it's not all cats. It's our socially inept Bengals.
Ultimately I want them to be happy. But I don't think it's fair for me to feel unhappy in the process. And unhappy is putting it mildly.
7 comments:
We're so sorry to hear this, it's heartbreaking to read and we really feel your pain and hurt.
I can't suggest any magical cure, but no-one can accuse you of being neglectful. You've really tried hard, and I suggest the first thing you can do is call Lesley at the RSPCA. There'll be no judgement, and she'll have plenty of experience with Bengals to offer you. If you both decide that it's best for him to go back, then she'll understand. We're both cat mad people, but if it's affecting you so much, we don't think you should feel bad about returning him, as it's not good for you to live with such anxiety.
Hugs,
xxxx
Early on with my Bengal I had similar frustrations (actually more to do with the fact that he would bite - hard, attack, scratch, draw blood and run away when you tried to touch him) so I know what a challenge they can be. My partner who has owned cats his whole life said he had never encountered a cat like our Bengal. Bengals' are very different cats with distinct personalities.
My Bengal loves someone at home and both my partner and I work full time leaving him by himself for long periods. He acts up when he knows he is going to be left and when we come home. I just try to make sure that a laser pointer is handy when I get through the door so he can play.
So I understand where you are coming from. Don't feel disheartened. If it becomes too much then no one can say that you haven't tried. You were kind enough to take him on in the first place.
I hope it gets a bit better in the meantime.
I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations with your Bengal. I have a Persian, so I don't know the personality of the Bengal other than what I've read. I think Freya and Pop Princess have given you excellent advice. It is better to return the cat than to let him loose. I wish you the best.
Cats do pick up on our feelings, humans pick up on cat feelings too and it ends up going round and around with no one being happy.
You could send in a question to George Online Cat. His human is Celia Haddon a very well respected feline behaviour specialist and she/George may have some advice to help Merry and you out. Celia knows a great deal about human/feline relationships.
http://george-online.blogspot.com/
You contact her via here: http://www.celiahaddon.co.uk/
Could you make up some feeder puzzles to keep him interested in life when you are out? Vikky Halls' books contain lots of ideas to keep bright-cats-gone-bored happy. There are feeder toys too, such as the Catmosphere and toys the cats can use without you being around like the Fling-a-ma-string. But it all comes down to the humans having to put in the time to encourage the cats (via reward and praise)to use them. It might be that you just need to learn to like Merry again. Stressful times like pregnancy can also put stresses on our animals as well, it just happens. It's no one's fault.
If you really don't like Merry, he will know that. He sounds like a cat who really needs a great deal of exercise and stimulation to keep him happy.
Sometimes cats react like Merry when they know the human wants the cat to like them but the cat picks up on the stress/neediness of the human and this puts the cat off. You know when a cat hater comes to visit and the cat heads straight for their lap? Similar thing. You could try acting as if you didn't care if Merry returned your affection or not. That might take a bit of the stress out of the situation.
If you really don't want to keep Merry, it might be fairer to rehome both cats together as they look like they are close friends.
i say give it some more time.
we have four cats. they are the best. our male cat however does have a different personality than the females. he is 3 years old and not until lately has he truely let us pet on him. he is a gentle giant and very shy. we had to learn his feelings and then change our approach to him in a gentle slow manner which worked wonders. no sudden movements. now he cuddles up on me and is a real lover. i say give it more time. there can be many reasons why a cat (or any living creature) acts a certain way, and if you can hang in there it is well worth it. if you cannot i hope you find a good family for his forever home. bengals are absolutely gorgeous and from what i assume they probably just need extra time to adjust to domestic life and such is all. hopefully it will work out for you all. congrats on your human baby as well.
First, congratulations on the upcoming baby! That said, being pregnant is a stresser in more ways than one. I have in my home two truly formerly feral cats, it took almost years to get them to the point she would even stay in the same room with me! We have to sedate one to bring her to the vet she's so wild. I took the advice I was given and would sit, quietly, and wait for them to aproach and then, the hardest part, not touch. I had to wait for them to initiate contact. It's dificult to have a cat and not be able to pet them, but now one will come and sit on me if I'm alone in the room and let me rub her ears and cheeks only the other one craves attention now and will seek me out to get pets. If you truly can't handle this, and I understand the strain this can put on you, maybe re-homing is the way to go. Just turning them loose isn't a good choice. For either of you.
Corrine – Having a cat should never be stressful or unhappy. But sometimes particular cats and particular humans just don’t get along. That is not anything to be ashamed about. When I was young, I ended up with a litter of kittens (by roommate stupidity) and the two male kittens just plain hated me! I had to find them homes (they turned out to be great barn mousers), but they were just determined not to abide as apartment cats or like me at all.
Sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. When that happens, it is our responsibility as humans to find them more suitable homes. I had one cat that was mean and vicious in its first home, and did just fine with me. So, you never know.
I know you love the cat and care about it. And great credit to you that you have tried so hard to give it attention and comfort. But my advice is to find it a new home.
I think that any cat person will understand that there is the occasional cat that just “does not fit in”, an none should blame you. You have done the best you could.
I think I speak for all cat lovers when I say you have our general permission to separate yourself from the cat that does not like you. It happens. It’s OK.
Mark (The Big Thing)
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